Tayleigh Stanley
Dear Dad
Dear Dad,
I found my newest home in a city where the buildings are made of glass and the clocks are made of gold. The trimmings on the trees let in just enough light and the food courts are outside surrounded by places both familiar and not. I ate at a place decorated in orange and for once I didn’t mind walking up hills and through alleys. I found a friend in a gargoyle on top of a building with 21 stories just old enough to drink in. I found a home in a place I had never been. I have found my right now.
-Tay
Dear Dad,
I dined at places dressed in orange it brings me a savory and sweet. I ate at a slower pace and made friends with a girl named Sara, but we forgot the h. The food was different. I had discovered what was once something so sweet turned into a combination of our favorites, eggs Benedict and sweet waffles just perfectly fluffy. Will write soon.
-Tay
Dear Dad,
While navigating this foreign yet homey place, I’ve discovered that the views are a little clearer and my mind is a little less foggy. Maybe it’s that there are no longer memories around every turn. The lake where we used to fish, softball fields and directions to the nearest restaurants are all out of sight. Now it’s just me, making new memories and fantasies of what could be. I parked under a grocery store and realized I needed to step my cooking game up. I needed to learn to dance to my own beat and not get overwhelmed at the thought of a building consisting of too many floors to count. I do miss my gargoyle friend, I will have to see him soon. That’s all for now, will write soon.
-Tay
Dear Dad,
While finding familiarity in my new home I am reminded of the coffee order I have now because of my life before. Back when mornings were spent at a hospital that now feels foreign, with Ike and Day who now feel like forgotten scars but always etched in memory. The familiarity between a tale of two lifetimes is terrifying. Order coffee, go to work, leave, pet an animal. Though they are bigger and bark instead of meow the personal boundaries are broken and torn and bring me joy. Sitting on the West End Bridge waiting for the traffic to lessen is a challenge I see myself facing for a time. Reminding me of all those times we’d drive to Newark or Kenton. The cars are different and sitting in the driver’s seat brings me closer to you. Thinking about how many times you got stuck on the same bridge while driving your truck. Driving past the stadiums reminds me of times at baseball games and memories of sadness etched in Uncle Craig’s eyes as we sat when our teams went head to head after your death. I like being surrounded with familiar, but I love the differences. Will write soon.
-Tay
Dear Dad,
I think I lost something in the mix of blurred realities. I think I lost the scared part of me still holding onto home, well what used to be home. Between dancing to songs that brought out a new me and scream singing with strangers to friends, I think I like the newest journey. Sexuality is something you never cared about, you just wanted me to be happy. Dad, I’m happy. Will write soon.
-Tay
Dear Dad,
I think it’s trivial to tell you about the people I’ve met recently. I know you would adore them and maybe even attend a thing or two. You’d love them, and you would love how I am way far out of my comfort zone. I don’t think that place exists anymore. I’m that zone I hid from the world in the comfort of familiarity and only saw life through windows never being able to get on the other side. I felt as if I was blindly walking along the windows hoping to find a door until I made my own. I jumped through the window and was greeted with downtown life and sushi and art crawls followed bonding at local bars. I looked back into my rear view window and saw that my comfort zone was on fire and I have no desire to put it out. Will write soon.
-Tay
Dear Dad,
Trusting this feeling is weird. I have never felt this way. Happiness. It’s not something I’m used to, not something I trust. It’s consistent. It’s confusing being in a place where I know little to no one but so happy. So ready for the future yet hoping time slows and I can enjoy the moments. I have just gotten rid of a part of my life that I thought would stick around, I was wrong but that’s okay. I have people in my real life that bring me joy and I’m happy for that. Fighting my mind is an uphill battle but one I want to win this time. I’m truly happy here dad and I would give everything I have for you to see it. I’ll write you soon.
-Tay
Dear Dad,
I’m afraid the placebo effect isn’t real. I am unconcerned with the way people perceive my image. Between the stone walls of old buildings downtown and the soft grass on the courtyard of the hospital I am employed at I am afraid I have fallen in love with the city. Though the drive to North Ave has become tedious, the march towards bars and adventures echo’s a happiness I felt as a child running towards the pool at papa’s. The travesty in the weather seems to have let me down in a sense of an illness that I cannot escape. While exploring my options of those to whom I spend my time with, I have chosen a group of humans to which we fit together like a puzzle we didn’t know needed to be completed; I am unsure of how I feel I know them, I just do. You would love them just as much as I. I miss you dad. I’ll write soon.
-Tay
Dear Dad,
I am here as a guest, navigating the ways to walk around those I love. Surprises were never my thing due to excitement of hope they’ll show the love I feel for them. I am a stranger here in a place we knew. I am a new person standing here questioning the jokes I once knew. 3 days of a confusing familiarity have just started. I have for the first time in my life known what it’s like to be an animal at the zoo, they’re constantly watching. I hope I give them a good show. Write soon.
-Tay
Dear Dad,
While I no longer understand the concept of Thanksgiving, I do love the time spent with those who love me. Bonding with Memow and a just us Thanksgiving with Bubub. It made me think about you, so I have questions,
Would you have kept the tickets if they lost? Would you have been the first one to hold Abigail? Why did you tell no one how sentimental you were?
Would you be proud of me? Though mostly I don’t need the answers, but I wish you were here to answer them. I miss you.
-Tay
Dear Dad,
While my perception of you has changed the heart hasn’t, while searching for some sort of new answers I stumbled upon how much love you had for you siblings, pictures, cards, key chains, love. The complicated way to get answers is after death. The complexity of those answers just leave more questions. Things to be thankful for this year changed dramatically from last, while it isn’t the first holiday season without you, they never seem to be less gut wrenching. This year, I’m thankful that photos last forever. I’ll write soon.
-Tay
Dear Dad,
Between drowning in confusion and breathing clarity I’ve determined that I am confused. I walk down the streets of downtown and eat at places in Squirrel Hill and dance in places at Shadyside, but I find myself dreading the drive to North Ave. though that maybe just because work is work and my heart strings are pulling in a million different directions. The honey here is sweeter and
coffee is more bitter. The good and good and good are being battled with my mind but happiness for the first time is at the forefront. I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss her, the girl I used to be, she was better at handling sadness and darkness, but the new me, the one who tries the new one who dances and eats and sings and is acting again, the new one, is a superhero. She’ll out
live us all. I love you. Will write soon.
-Tay
Dear Dad,
What do I tell them? What do I tell them as they get older and start asking who the empty stocking is for? What should I say when they ask where you are? We don’t really talk about you, we’ll at least not much. Do I tell them your love for football and golf? Do I tell them that you were the best bear hugger ever? What do I say when your 3 nieces start asking questions? Do you think by then I’ll be able to answer without crying? I miss you.
-Tay
Dear Dad,
What is the answer? Do I keep staring at grey walls and hate myself or, do I paint them new? I feel as though I answered that question in the move but with missing you, mom and familiarity I’m afraid I’ve grown homesick. Is it worth it to move back to heal on part of me as another is torn to shreds, or do I try and try and try some more to figure out why now my heart has grown heavy?
-Tay
Dear Dad,
I’ve been mad at you so I haven’t written. I’ve been upset and questioning the universe because I miss you. I have lost myself. Though I have also healed myself. Starting new, from the age of 14 when they stole my love of education. I am starting new, 3.8 GPA. Honors programs. Healing her to move on from her. I miss you, but I can’t keep writing. It’ll kill me in the end. I love you.
-Tayleigh
My name is Tayleigh, I am a Business Management with a focus in development and programming student. I am also in Phi Theta Kappa. I love to play DnD and make things out of clay. I hope to publish a book this year! I have a cat that is my world she is a Tortie and I hope to be a Cloud Engineer after I graduate.
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